Why I Struggled to Connect With People

 I’ve always had a problem with socializing and finding a place where I belong. It really created this sense of loneliness, and also made it hard for me to stay in a group for a long time without feeling like my presence was a nuisance. I also found it really hard to motivate myself to put effort into being part of a group in order to make it work.

But recently, I came across a concept from a book called The Courage to Be Disliked. The author says that if a person ever decides that he wants to do something, he must have the courage to do it. And in order to have the courage to do something, he must feel like he is able to bring value.

That feeling — that a person is able to contribute and bring value — massively increases his confidence and sense of worth. And when he has that sense of value, then he will be able to bring himself to do what he wants, like putting effort into bringing value to a group and being part of it, eventually developing a sense of belonging.

But in a working environment, the goal is to have a partner relationship, though I’m not entirely sure what a partner relationship means. But here is the tricky part: even if a person is not entirely useful, being alive can already be enough.

For example, if a person’s mother got into an accident, the son or daughter would try their very best to save her, regardless of whether the mother is able to do anything or not.

This brings me to the next thing I learned. I would sometimes feel like it was hard to bond with people whenever I talked to them, because I was talking from a place of expectation. For example, when someone did something, I sometimes wouldn’t respond positively because I expected something from them.

But if I ever want to build relationships, I should set a zero-expectation mindset, so I can build someone up and also give them relief.

This struck a chord with me because whenever I’m in a relationship, I try not to fully get into one because it hurts when I get rejected, or because I’m afraid of getting abandoned. But that only fuels my loneliness, and I end up depriving myself of a support system. This causes many of my relationships to turn sour and become alienated.

So after reading this, I learned to shift my mindset toward trying to bring value to a person. If you want something meaningful, you need to work for it. Also, if no one is doing it, you need to be the one doing it, even if they are not reciprocating.

Once I’m able to bring value to someone and receive appreciation, even something as simple as a “thank you,” my sense of value increases because I’m able to contribute positively. Then it strengthens my bravery, and I become able to find a sense of belonging and a support system.

These are still just theories, and I have yet to fully implement them. But I’ve learned how to shift my mindset, and I now understand the direction I want to move toward.