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The Pain of Learning Something Meaningful

Today’s Blender session was frustrating. I kept running into the same feeling over and over again: I don’t know how to do anything. Every small task felt difficult, and every mistake made me question whether I was even capable of learning this skill in the first place. It’s hard sitting in front of software that feels so powerful while feeling completely lost inside it. At the same time, my mind wasn’t just fighting Blender. Negative thoughts kept creeping in too — especially the feeling of always being the social outcast in groups. Those thoughts have a way of attaching themselves to everything. Suddenly, struggling with a tutorial doesn’t just feel like struggling with a tutorial. It starts feeling like proof that you’re behind everyone else. But somewhere in the back of my mind, I kept reminding myself of something important: learning anything worthwhile is painful at the start. I remembered a video of a woman trying to lose weight. She was eating salad while crying because of how h...
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Learning How to Stop Escaping Myself

For the past year, I’ve felt stuck. Not in a dramatic way, but in the exhausting, lingering kind of way where nothing you do ever feels enough. No matter what I accomplish, there’s always this pressure in the back of my mind telling me I should be doing more, achieving more, becoming more. And strangely, the stronger that desire becomes, the heavier it feels. It stops being motivation and starts becoming a burden. A lot of these realizations started when I began watching Dr. K. The way he articulates human emotions is almost unsettling sometimes. He explains feelings so precisely that it feels like he’s reading thoughts you didn’t even know how to express yourself. I think part of me wants to become someone like that. Not necessarily a psychologist or self-help figure, but someone who can articulate emotions clearly enough that other people feel understood. There’s something powerful about hearing your own struggles reflected back at you in words you could never find yourself. Maybe th...
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Know your enemy

 Today, I've watched porn again. I woke up in the morning, feeling like I'm about to die. I've felt some sort of rush behind my back, around my kidney. Then, I thought back on how I would always destroy my kidney if I were to continue this habit. Then, my thoughts spiralled to how I would die if I keep up this lifestyle of drinking too much water at once. Then, I would think of how important it is to keep myself healthy, how awesome would it be if I continued my exercise habit. How putting health as priority over anything else like work, relationship and hobby is more imporant in when you're young. Then, the thoughts just keeps becoming more and more haunting, I become more uncomfortable about it. and I became quite stressed about it. Then, for some reason, the subconscious part of me wants to search something sexually implicit.  Then the more I search, the more I want to watch more explicit content. It occured about 1 hour. I actually stopped after 45 minutes, but it f...
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Why reading is always a positive thing to do

 When I was young, I was an avid reader. I wouldn't say I'm passionate about it, but I did make a point to always read when I'm free. As I grow older, and the more books I've read. It felt like the things I've read is useless. Since I'm just reading it, not applying it. So I gave up reading. Until lately I've always brought a book with me when I'm outside. Occasionally, I would flip through the book, read a couple passages and stop. But, that action lead to something positive. When I'm going on my day, sometimes a thought of the passage in the book would come to mind, and I would sometimes think about it, and think of how to apply in my life. This is one case of why reading is always positive. Another case would be, when I'm deep in the rabbit hole of watching porn. Sometimes passages of some books I've read previously would one to mind. For example, the book "habits of effective people" mentions about doing something within your lo...
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Don't try to force it.

 We love doing something. It makes us feel purposeful. It gives us energy, it fuels us with joy. It makes us think that we are productive, and doing something that brings value to us, and also society. But, too much of it will only bring harm than good. At least that is what I think. Yesterday, I have a really productive day. I was able to work on multiple task at once with AI. I was thinking good prompt that fixes problems that wouldn't cause other issues. I was meeting deadline like a beast.  The next day, I felt like complete shit. Partly because I had a really bad sleep yesterday, feeling content over my achievement - which I shouldn't, and should be working on my habits and sharpen the saw, instead of feeling content. I had a unproductive 2 hours this morning, so I decided to go out to work. I did like, 4 hours of work, then went back home. Then, my drive and motivation plummet again. Feeling like I don't have the motivation to work, but still there's something in ...
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Read this if you're about to relapse

 1) You still have to deal with the same shit with or without porn. Since porn harms productivity and well being,might as well not doing it. Even after you watch porn, life still goes on. You're still doing the same thing tomorrow, it's not like all the sudden, you can become super productive tmr, or you don't have any other jobs and yet, you get free money. So, if watching porn makes you feel terrible, gives you low motivation and makes you perform worse, and yet, you still have to do the same shit too. Might as well not watch it, and you can perform better too. 2) it's better to take a step forward than to go backwards. You don't have to take the cab, take the train is fine. If feeling in a hurry or boredom, and feeling like you need to answer it, think that you don't need to. You don't need to do any work if you don't feel like it, it's better to walk forwards than taking aeroplane, and then going backwards. 3) Human often times crave for rewards ...
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How to not get affected by your past.

The book "The courage to be hated" explains that your past will not affect your future. What does is the decision you make now and the goal attached to it. A lot of times, my past has determined my goals that I haven't even realised. For example, when people asks help from me, I would not feel happy, and really unwilling to take time to help. That's because my goal is to make myself happy, and I will only entertain events that makes myself euphoric. Another example, when I watch porn. The goal is to get rid of boredom and feel euphoric. When I game, I want to have a sense of superiority. When I am around people, and I feel uneasy and not talk to them, because I don't want to look weird, plus I don't want to feel vulnerable. Realising these, I just need to switch my goal when I am presented in a situation when it's undesirable for me. For example, if someone is asking for help from me, I can reframe my goal from it makes me feel bad to doing charity, and bu...
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