Day 1 after visitng the brothel

Just finished a hard day of work. Since my parents are gone, I've decided to make dinner for myself. I bought the ingredients I needed, and I started to get to work. But, I felt like I don't know where to start. All my mind was that, I just wanted to get the food cooked and eat. I originally bought sonme onions, some sausage to go together with the crepe that I bought together. But, for some reason, I just felt lazy, and wanted to get it done as soon as possible. Like, is it due to the dopamine spike that I had yesterday? Whenever I listen to the inner demon of mine, the lustful demon inside me. I would always become impatient. Like, I feel like I am not in control of my self and my emotions. It hurts me because, I'm feeling this way because my decision lead me to this state, and I literally did it with no reason. Just out of pure boredom, and that's scary. Because I literally have no self control, and I just wanna do anything that I want to, no rules, nothing. I suddenly have the feeling that everything is hopeless in the future, and I have no desire to do anything. I suddenly have the feeling that I can't achieve anything. The thought that I underperform at work brings me waves of pain that I hope I can just escape, but I don't know how. I know these are just feelings that I should just be mindful of, but the thought that these feelings will come again, because I listen to that inner demmon inside me, scares me. I'm scared, I'm scared of myself. I'm scared of making mistakes, I'm scared of feeling pain. I know I should accept that pain is part of life, and I should find ways to deal with it. But, the thought that I can never escape pain.. just feels too hard to accept now. I just don't have the brain cells to accept it. And the more negative I talk now, the worst I get. So, I decide to do the opposite. Everything is going to be okay, it's fine to feel the way you feel now. Focus on your goal, and what you want to achieve. Find your passion, do what you love. Life will solve itself, just believe in it. I'm scared, I'm still scared. Is it because of the drop in testosterone that I'm feeling. Is it because I feel numb from the brothel visit yesterday. Is it because I don't feel anything is wrong with me, and because of that fact, I feel scared? No, that thought made me feel worst. What scares me is that, I want to have be content with my life, but deep down, there's something troubling me, and I'm afraid to face it. Anyway, I'm done with my rant, I'm gonna try to do something productive with my time now. Until next time.

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