I feel like I hate myself

I said something that was intended to be a joke, but it sounded like I'm criticizing her. I don't know where this thoughts came from, and I've never felt this way before. 

I've always been quite self absorbed to a point that I don't care about what others think, but today, for some reason, it felt like I cared so much that I can't work at all.

And I feel like this feeling is bringing me down a spiral. I know this is just temporary, and I should just accept my feelings as it is, but the feeling felt like it's constantly looming inside me., and it doesn't feel like it's getting better.

Is it because I need to change my thoughts? Is it because.. I just need to accept as it is and move on, maybe worry about something even greater than whatever it is now? 

I feel like the brothel visit has made me less passionate for my goal. I can feel like I'm losing the purpose of writing. And it sucks.

And most importantly, is it even healthy that I'm having these thoughts, or should I deluxe myself into having positive thoughts, so I can move on?

I don't know, I'm lost. I'm scared. I'm scared of accepting myself. I'm scared of being in an environment that is unfamiliar. What should I do to prepare myself for that.

My mind feels like it's constantly running, and it doesn't feel that good.






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