I visited a brothel
Yes, I've done it. A 25-year-old man, with a clear head *kinda*, but chose to listen to his chimp.
How did it all started? It started when I've decided to keep listening to my chimp. My chimp has a really weird tendency towards sex. Like when I'm bored, sex. When I'm happy, sex. When I'm content, sex. After I've finished a hard task, time to watch some porn.
But this time, I don't really know what came to me, I'm not feeling stressed or anything like that, there's just this really deep want to fuck a woman.
I know that it is bad because first, it costs a lot of money, second it really objectifies everything that you see. And thirdly, it prevents yourself from being vulnerable. Like you would lose the joy of even socialising. Like even the mentioning of joy of socialising makes me feel weird. It makes me feel like, I don't belong to socializing.
What's even worst is that, it feels to me that visiting a brothel doesn't affect me that much. Well, part of me realize that what's done is done, but I could've stopped myself from going to a brothel. I could've done something better, like drawing, or reading a book, or heck, writing an article about anything that might catch my interest. I could even research something that is good for my work. But I didn't. I chose to go to a brothel, spent 50$ to get on a woman that doesn't even like me, fake moans, fake enjoyment. Everything is fake. I look calm inside, but deep down, there's a turbulent that's raging. Well, not actually. I feel relatively calm, but it's because that I feel calm, that it makes it raging inside. Because, I'm calm because I visited a brothel, that scares me. Because what if going to a brothel is the only thing that soothes me? That thought scares me, and I don't want that. I don't want to get addicted to going to a brothel. I still don't know what piques my interest, well I kinda do. My ultimate goal is still trying to create something to help me generate passive income. What should I do, I know that I should just eat up my mistakes, endure the pain that it's gonna cause me, and move on from there. But I'm scared. I'm done having low confidence. I'm done not having the courage to look people in the eye. I'm done not fighting for my own happiness. It makes me feel like a robot, and it pains me and everyone who interacts with me. It scares me even more when I know that I will have the same thoughts and desire in the future, and I'm scared that I can't handle it. Will it revisit a brothel? Will it spend even more money to satiate my desire? Will it go deeper into the rabbit hole? Will it even be able to escape this loop and trap that I've put myself in? I trust that the future will be better, but this habit of mine is going to slowly eat away everything that I love, everything that I owe, and at the end, I will be left nothing but lust. The demon inside me is growing, and I'm scared. I have all the tools to beat it, but I can't. Deep inside me, there's a part of me that doesn't want to change, because it hurts to change. That part of me is literally eating my life away. My sanity, my intellect, my energy, and passion. Literally everything. I know that I should do something to replace it, as the saying goes, what you feed, will grow stronger. In a way, if I choose to not feed that part of me, then it will die. But that part of me is literally screaming to be fed, and if I don't, I will feel so horrible.
What's even worst is that, it feels to me that visiting a brothel doesn't affect me that much. Well, part of me realize that what's done is done, but I could've stopped myself from going to a brothel. I could've done something better, like drawing, or reading a book, or heck, writing an article about anything that might catch my interest. I could even research something that is good for my work. But I didn't. I chose to go to a brothel, spent 50$ to get on a woman that doesn't even like me, fake moans, fake enjoyment. Everything is fake. I look calm inside, but deep down, there's a turbulent that's raging. Well, not actually. I feel relatively calm, but it's because that I feel calm, that it makes it raging inside. Because, I'm calm because I visited a brothel, that scares me. Because what if going to a brothel is the only thing that soothes me? That thought scares me, and I don't want that. I don't want to get addicted to going to a brothel. I still don't know what piques my interest, well I kinda do. My ultimate goal is still trying to create something to help me generate passive income. What should I do, I know that I should just eat up my mistakes, endure the pain that it's gonna cause me, and move on from there. But I'm scared. I'm done having low confidence. I'm done not having the courage to look people in the eye. I'm done not fighting for my own happiness. It makes me feel like a robot, and it pains me and everyone who interacts with me. It scares me even more when I know that I will have the same thoughts and desire in the future, and I'm scared that I can't handle it. Will it revisit a brothel? Will it spend even more money to satiate my desire? Will it go deeper into the rabbit hole? Will it even be able to escape this loop and trap that I've put myself in? I trust that the future will be better, but this habit of mine is going to slowly eat away everything that I love, everything that I owe, and at the end, I will be left nothing but lust. The demon inside me is growing, and I'm scared. I have all the tools to beat it, but I can't. Deep inside me, there's a part of me that doesn't want to change, because it hurts to change. That part of me is literally eating my life away. My sanity, my intellect, my energy, and passion. Literally everything. I know that I should do something to replace it, as the saying goes, what you feed, will grow stronger. In a way, if I choose to not feed that part of me, then it will die. But that part of me is literally screaming to be fed, and if I don't, I will feel so horrible.
Comments
Post a Comment