Stuck in a rut

- Rethink what I'm doing - Why im not achieving anything (with so nuch time brcause i wasted too much time thinking about doing things - Rethink why I'm constantly going out without purpose - Rethink my goal, why am I avoidig these difficult feelings, and why am I stuck in a rut, brcause of these avoidance - my motivation to becoming good at my job, and thinking if its an environment issue or its a me issue - Thoughts came after socializing with people, learning, reflecting. - Thinking if I've learned something from it, goods and bads. why wasn't I able to do anything or achieve anything - because of not being serious enough. -my motivation to self improving, making thigs fun, solving the issues thats bothering me and not escaping, and realising that there are so many issues ahead of me, and i shouldn't be stuck in the same issue. - Thinking that there should be a system i use to help me, so i can be more consistent. - Thinking that how should i solve the problem of connection, the novelty and the problem of accepting the ups - Or maybe I should just carry myself in the momentum everyday. In the year 2023, 2 years after the COVID pandemic hits. The vaccine has been rolled out, and widely administrated. Lock down is slowly becoming a thing in the past, and everybody is slowly getting back to their normal life. As an undergraduate student, I'm required to go back to school to take in-person class, as the school steadily transitions from remote learning to in-person class. Despite that, the fear surrounding COVID remained. Because of this, proof of vaccination was required before returing back to school. Most of my classmates returned to school, except for me. That's because I didn't take the vaccine. Why? Because due to how short amount of time the vaccine was developed, concerns about the long term effects of the vaccine lead me to not take it. Due to that fact, I decided to take a gap year to wait things out before making any decision. So, all my classmates are now at school, finishing their undergraduate course, while I am still at home. 1 year is a long time, and I don't want to waste it doing nothing. So I decided to use my current qualification to try to land myself an internship, preferrably one that provides remote work. Now, at that time, I wasn't really a person who thinks too much, and I had always had a forward-looking mindset, and since I'm still young, I always look forward to experience new things. So, the prospect of securing an internship sounded pretty exciting to me. I told myself that, I will be working hard, and promised to not disappoint my boss. The internship that I applied for is a software engineer internship, and I initially thought that completing the internship would be breeze, given my experieince with writing my own code and developing small projects, even if they were unfinished. Over time, I realized I was wrong. Over time, I realized that the real challenge wasn't writing code, but being able to be productive on difficult days, showing up as a professional, communicate effectively and meeting deadlines despite your personal emotions. I slowly developed ability to learn effectively, work with discipline and improving myself in a structured and intentional way. And that's it, 6 months of internship is over. At the end of the internship, I found myself weighing the decision of returning back to school or continue working. At the end, I chose to go back to school, which I later much regret. At that time, my reason for going back to school is simple. I want to be able to reconnect socially. So, I went back to school, not knowing that not only I wouldn't be able to meet my expectation, but my lifer would take a turn. Before going back to school, I feel like I was able to do anything. I've built a pretty disciplined lifestyle. Waking up at 9am everyday, and waking up despite wanting to stay in. I've completed my scheduled hours without missing any, and even worked overtime. During my offtime, I exercised regularly, including HIIT workouts, pushing myself mentally rather than physically - training discipline and willpower. Reaching the end of the internship, I felt content over my liferstyle. Like I felt true peace and joy. Even though I didn't like the lifestyle of working morning till night, getting little entertainment time, and time for myself. I was slowly accepting it, it made me realize that doing these stuff is what i really needed in life. Mainly, I felt content and peaceful. But when I returned to school, it felt like I was in a completely different world. School work seems easy, and I can easily absorb any material that was presented to me at school. In exams, I achieved high scores without putting much effort. My classmates was looking up to me, it felt like everything is in easy mode, and there are moments that I felt like.. God. This dillusional thinking has lead me to a destructive lifestyle. I started to not pay so much attention in class, my time invested in studying, I'm putting in games, and one day, while heading to an electronics store, I was unexpectedly invited into a massage parlour, where I had my first experience of that kind. It felt like this is the turning point for me. After that experience, I've became easily agitated, constantly feeling the need to be doing something to succeed. Over time, I realized I wanted to return to the calmer, more grounded state I had been in before. Despite me feeling that way, my first experience had lead me to a more destructive lifestyle, such as chatting with people online, which lead me into situations that were inappropriate and ultimately unhealthy. My confidence and self image plummetted, and my classmates sensed it, as they slowly distanced themselves away from me. At this point, I haven't even put any effort into my goal of reconnecting socially. So, I couldn't share my problem to anyone, and I had always firmly beleived that, if I try to lead the lifestyle as I did during my internship, everything is going to fix by itself. However, sooner of later, I realized that I was mistaken. After finishing my final year project, I was hired as a software engineer intern in a startup company. At that time, I promised myself that I would stop using online chat rooms, avoid staying up late, and work on eliminating my bad habits. However, I was eventually let go because I came across as unapproachable and wasn't able to perform the task assigned to me. At that time, I partly expected that would happen, and even though I was kinda bumped out, I wasn't hopeless, and because at that time, the internship began before the official internship period required by the school, I decided to apply for another internship, and managed to secure a placement. Learning from my previous experience, I tried to look approachable, and try to have myself be in a mental state whenever I get appraoched by someone, or when I'm at work, I was constantly unhappy. It was also at that time that I realized that my technical skills has declined to a astonishingly degree, so my supervisor wasn't able to give me any job, and because rome wasn't built in a day, I still came across as unapproachable. That time, I didn't know any social skills, or any skills needed to worok effectively with others. So, my supervisor just gave me lessons to learn, polish my basic skills. - after ending my internship, wasn't able to talk to anyone in my workplace, due to how afraid and social anxious i was, i can count with my fingers - stayed at home, my mindset changed a lot (wasn't able to deal with the painful experience, use porn to relief) - this continued for 6 months - i initially didn't have this habit, but slowly, porn has integrated into my life, stasrted watching once a month, to once a week, to multiple times a week - not working, unemployed, but still learning from courses - then i secured a job as a software engineer, as a permanent worker, working for 1 year now - what i've learnt - wrong goal, no self care, and no goal in life - taking things in a hurry, don't let my desire control, but gods - to find your own rhythm to grow. - realized that my intention is wrong, and i didn't have much perspective in life - nobody's gonna care if you're socially anxious or what not, people are too busy with minding their own business - just do it, and have your own goal in your mind. don't care about what others think about you, at the end of the day, we're all god's children, we're created equally, so there's no reason to be scared of them. - if shit hits the fan, you are still you, life moves on, and how much you have work towards your goal ultimately matters. - occupy your time with something that is meaningful for you, or else addiction sets in - your goal doesn't have to be like elon musk, but work towards a better version of you, yourself, the yesterday you. and even if you don't, life still moves on, so whats the difference between working and not working towards your goal - if you work towards your goal, you get to have an extra plate on your table, isn't that good?