Don't try to force it.

 We love doing something. It makes us feel purposeful. It gives us energy, it fuels us with joy. It makes us think that we are productive, and doing something that brings value to us, and also society. But, too much of it will only bring harm than good. At least that is what I think.

Yesterday, I have a really productive day. I was able to work on multiple task at once with AI. I was thinking good prompt that fixes problems that wouldn't cause other issues. I was meeting deadline like a beast. 

The next day, I felt like complete shit. Partly because I had a really bad sleep yesterday, feeling content over my achievement - which I shouldn't, and should be working on my habits and sharpen the saw, instead of feeling content. I had a unproductive 2 hours this morning, so I decided to go out to work.

I did like, 4 hours of work, then went back home. Then, my drive and motivation plummet again. Feeling like I don't have the motivation to work, but still there's something in me that prompts me to work more, I feel overwhelmed, and then I start watching porn, when my parents are away.

I watched like, 1 hour of it. But I stopped, partly because my conscience tells me that getting hooked to it is just bad. Also, there's just something deep inside me that tells me to not watch it. As I was watching, I prayed inside, and as if God answered me, I had thoughts that tells me, "You have a choice to stop it.", "Your action and decision is crucial for your future. Your thoughts and realization will be the guide to your future actions." Then, begrudgingly, but necessarily, I stopped, got up, and went for a jog.

As I got up and got ready, another thought came into mind, as if I could think things clearly. "What I did was unnecessary, and I should be doing something that will take up my mind." Then, thoughts of my writings, my drawings, osu came into mind. Then, I painfully accepted my actions, and the consequences of my action. I could feel like I am slowly losing control of myself, because it felt like watching porn is slowly becoming a norm. But deep inside me, there is still a part of me that is struggling, that is trying to hold onto the ideal version of me. I just can't let go of that, I feel like if I do, Me would be gone.

So I went for a jog, and the more I went outside, the more I realize something. I realized that I've been trying to do something. For example, if I'm working, I would try to force my way to completing it. If someone were to come and talk to me, I would feel irritated. Sometimes, I would even go to porn because of it. The more I think about it, the more I realized that there is a part of me that wants to do something, as if its an obsession. But in reality, there is nothing that is rushing me. I feel like I need to answer that compulsion, but in reality, I don't need to. The better alternative would be just doing nothing, I don't need to do anything. If I feel pressured, I don't need to answer that feeling, just let it be. 

As of the time I'm writing this, I feel compulsion to answer that thought of "Well, you've watched one hour of porn, might as well just PMO". Knowing what I realized, I don't have to answer that thought. I don't need to do anything, just let it be, and everything will be alright. Also, there's a saying that, "Taking the train is better than taking the cab." If rushing through things, will cause me to form bad habits like these, and destroy my overall well being, then it's not worth doing. Have some rules in place that I can't do no matter what.

I also realized that having a plan brings a feeling that I've never felt before. Normally, when I'm around people, I would feel nervous. But when I think that if I follow this plan, everything will be alright. Like, sleeping early, reading, exercising, stick to a routine, and most important of all, accepting yourself. I feel a sense of relief and contentment when I thought of that. 

I also realized that when I'm with people, I tend to be scared because I am eager to please or put on a show because I don't like myself, In reality, I just need to accept myself as it is, because if I don't, everything will feel fake.  I also realized that its good to not take things seriously, and learn to have fun.

I also realized that, after porn, I feel like I am always acting on my chimp, my human is always not in pilot. So when I talk to people, I feel like I need to hold myself back, because its my chimp who is talking, not human.

I also realized that when talking to people and making friends. People like your human side, not chimp side.