Know your enemy

 Today, I've watched porn again. I woke up in the morning, feeling like I'm about to die. I've felt some sort of rush behind my back, around my kidney. Then, I thought back on how I would always destroy my kidney if I were to continue this habit.

Then, my thoughts spiralled to how I would die if I keep up this lifestyle of drinking too much water at once. Then, I would think of how important it is to keep myself healthy, how awesome would it be if I continued my exercise habit. How putting health as priority over anything else like work, relationship and hobby is more imporant in when you're young.

Then, the thoughts just keeps becoming more and more haunting, I become more uncomfortable about it. and I became quite stressed about it. Then, for some reason, the subconscious part of me wants to search something sexually implicit. 

Then the more I search, the more I want to watch more explicit content. It occured about 1 hour. I actually stopped after 45 minutes, but it felt so bad, and so wrong to just stop. I didn't want to accept this feeling. I don't wanted to face this feeling. 

But I stopped when my parents came back. THen, I started to think over my actions. Some things that I realized that I forgot, but there's some things that sticked to my mind. Knowing your enemy.

I realized that most of the time I watch porn is due to the following reason:

- I'm content about the things I've done

- I'm bored

- I reminisce something painful, and it's hard to bear that feeling

- Someone pester me to do something

Knowing that these are the trigger point for me. I've decided to strategize against it. For example, if I am content about the things I've done. I should write down the things that I'm content with, the achievement that I've done.

If I'm bored, I'll just let my feelings run. But I would surely want to catch the highs. What should I do in this case? Should I stick to a habit, or work on something that I'm passionate about? or just learn something new? My feelings somewhat resonate with it, but I can't be 100% sure if I will stick to it. It's the part where sticking to it is the most important part.

I reminisce something painful, and it's hard to bear that feeling. I've figured that I will be giving myself some space to not answer that feeling. I have a choice to not answer it,  and I will just let that feeling run through, without doing anything. Don't need to solve it, don't need to find relieve, just be.

Someone is pestering me to do something will have the same strategy as well.

Now the issue is that, how do i make sure I will stick to it?

I'm thinking about whether I should create an app to increase the count whenever I successfully implement my strategy, but wil itibring real joy for me to stop? Will the desire to watch porn override it? I don't know, and it seems to me that the desire to watch porn will override it.

I need to come out with a plan to solve this issue. My plan is to:

- Sleep early

- Don't answer any feelings that my surface, because they are not trustable.

- Let things run through, what's done is done, it will be better next time.

But I can't guarantee that this plan will be carried out. What's stopping me? My feelings? Then, would it be good to always listen to my feelings? But it feels so bad when I don't. Ormaybe, I should find something to occupy my time, so I won't be thinking about these stupid things. As the saying goes, "Boredom is devil's workshop".


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