Porn, porn, and more porn

 It's Sunday, and it's rare that I don't have anything to do. Most items I have tackled at work, and now, there's quite a lot of time on my hand. Feeling bored, I decided to watch some anime, while exploring a new topic in programming.

In computing terms, it's called unit test. I've explored how it works fundamentally, and how it works in Java, and also how it applies to the current project I'm working on. I've asked Claude to generate me the necessary prerequisites for the unit test, as well as writing the unit test for me.

But, the idea of setting things up from scratch just bothers me for some reason. I've thought about it, and it's because I need an activity that lets me relax, and not always tense. I'm still figuring what activity is that. I could be playing games, but I don't like to do that. Writing is good, but the idea of needing to learn new stuff because I don't know how, just makes me feel stressed, and not able to relax.

I guess the solution is just write, don't worry if it sounds weird or anything like that. Oh, how is this related to the title of this dairy.

While working on my stuff, I got too content, and for some reason, my heart just wants to look at something that brings more feeling. Then, I started browsing adult games, and slowly, I decided to go through the list of games I've noted down in case I want to play adult games. Came across Sketching Massage, played it for like 2 hours. Regretted that I've wasted so much time doing something that brings no meaning, but still feel like I've not watch enough porn, I decide to find my sex toys from my stash.

I pulled out my sex doll, and also dildo, and started playing around with it by penetrading the dildo into the sex doll. The more I do it, the more my conscience is tell me to stop. Because what I was doing, is going to make me fap eventually, and I will feel horrible afterwards. Plus, whatever that I was doing is really meaningless. So I stopped, and started to mop the floor.

It was then I started pondering why I decided to watch porn. Then I realized, deep down, I want to feel something, but I'm not sure wht exactly. There's just this feeling that I get whenever I work on something, like towards my goal, it feels really hard, and terrible. But the feeling afterwards is always great. But for porn, is like, feels good at the moment, but the guilt and terrible feeling hits afterwards just makes it not worth doing.

As I was mopping the floor, I also realized that human is able to do things meaningful without falling into hedonism because, the feeling after doing something meaningful is worth pursuing. The reason is that the feeling that follows just makes it all worth it. No matter tha pain it inflicts on a person, the result it gives afterwards just makes it all worth it.

This thought empowered me. Not only that, I've also read from a book called "The courage to be hated", which explains that the actions that we've taken now, doesn't affect the future. Because what matters is that, the decisions that you make now. If you are unhappy about your current situation, just do make a decision to changte it, one step at a time. For example, if you are unhappy and you want a more fulfiling life. You could find volunterring work online, or work on something that you know will bring you immense joy. In my case, writing, which I imagine will bring me intense joy if I am able to master writing. 

I would also like to add that there is a really strong voice in my head now that tells me to watch porn, since I've watched for 2 hours, it feels really bad to just stop myself after doing all of that. I've decided against that, because I know, the things I do now matters. What is done is done. 

I also want to explore new topics to write about, not only thoughts, but also something that I'm really passionate about. I'm thinking about programming, but for some reaosn, my thoughts are telling me to stop. I'm not sure how to process this feeling.

I've also realized that the reason why I hate doing programming is because, I'm desperate to want to meet expectations. But that doesn't work, because the more I want to meet expectation, the more stressed I am, and I can't do something that brings out my passion. So from now on, I'm going to do it because I'm curious about it.