Feeling like my heart is about to burst

 My heart feels like it's about to burst. It feels like I want to explode emotionally, just cry out, but I can't. I did this once, and it hurts so bad.

This normally happens when I emotionally suppress myself. I do that by forcing myself to not show any emotions, but whenever I do that, I feel that tiny blockage in my heart that doesn't feel right. This tiny blockage can build up to a point where it feels like I'm having a heart attack, but it actually means that I need to channel or express myself so I can feel better.

It all started because I felt doing things that makes me feel bad about myself, like watching porn and masturbating. It feels shameful when people know that I can do this things for hours a day, and continuously for multiple days. This makes me put on a brave face when I go out, which makes me feel unnatural and tense around people. I can't be myself since I would be a weirdo that wants to talk to anyone or behave weirdly by being inappropriately close. But in reality, I just want to feel closeness with somebody.

On the other hand, it can also be said that I might not have the skill to deal with this emotions appropriately, and it's true to some extent. I know that I should treat myself well, love myself by doing things that I need like sleeping early, have good habits and removing bad ones. But I somehow always fall short in these habits, and won't continue them because it just feels boring to stick to one. I don't know what am I missing. Do I need a different change in mentality to consistently adopt to my habits? Is it because the good habits that I refer to, aren't good habits? Some examples of good habits are, trying not to stress, reading, meditating, staying away from social media, exercise. 

I know what I should be doing, but I'm not. It feels bad that I'm not doing the things that I set my mind to. This greatly impacts my confidence and my outlook in life. This is because it would affect how I would face challenges and changes in life, which are crucial if I ever want to achieve my goal - to earn big money, passive income,, retiring early, finding a beautiful girlfriend, travelling around the world, and also doing good for society. 

So what's stopping me from doing all of that? Porn and masturbation. After years of having this habit, it's safe to say that it feels impossible to do anything that you want in life. It feels this way because after a pmo session, it feels like you have lost everything that you cultivated. And what I mean by that is the mentality that you've cultivated, the habits that you've cultivated, the desire for greater things in life, and gone in just minutes. And it feels so bad when that happens. 

So let's say you've got yourself into a shitty situation, like you've late in your work because you don't know how to find information or solving the problem. But after some time of head scratching, you manage to solve the problem. But the majority of the time is to cultivate your problems loving skill and analytical skills the next time you try to solve a problem again by doing the same process of finding information and solving the problem, you can't do that anymore because of PMO, which greatly reduces the desire to do anything that's important and meaningful, and research shows that PMO can affect gray matter in brain too, so not only it affects your desire and motivation, it makes you stupider as well. 


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